I miss the control I used to have with food. The good old days when I used to be pretty much scared shitless to eat. What happened? I went to college (gained a good 20 lbs) that's what happened. Which is weird because I thought it would be easier to starve while I'm, boy did I think wrong. Maybe it's a good thing because I would definitely be in an ED residential place for recovery or dead. But sometimes (actually always) I wish I had that control back. I"m always looking for new diets to try, but reality of it is that, well, Fiona Apple said it best: "Hunger hurts, but starving works." And that's the truth. Starving and working out for hours during the day works, and it's fast.

I hate it when people give me crap about being unhealthy. People who have eating disorders know what they are doing isn't healthy, but it really doesn't matter at that point.

UGH, I don't know what I'm gonna do about it. I know I will relapse and I know that although I do eat (a shitload) I'm still not okay with food. I still have a slight anxiety after I eat which I absolutely hate.

This will continue to be a vicous cycle until I get some help, and right now I don't want to. I have a love-hate relationship with food.

I just had to say that.

-Amina.xoxo